Bridget Jones reaches fever pitch

Our celebrated diarist is in Rome and with Mr. Darcy, tra la tra la. 
But why does he insist on talking football?

Tuesday 18th March
9 am. Right, am going to write up interview in Rome with Mr Darcy. 
Was just so fantastic. Taxi dropped me off in Roman square and 
thought was going to faint: just fantastic golden sunshine and 
huge, massive square full of high- up ruins and in the middle of it 
all Mr... ooh, telephone.

It was bloody Michael from the Independent.

"So did you do it, then?"

"Yes," I said hoity toitily.

"And you remembered to take your tape recorder this time, not 
your Sony Walkman?"

Honestly.  If they cannot let a person forget a simple past 
mistake, then huh.  "Well, you've got till lunch time tomorrow.  So 
get on with it."

Lala.  That is ages.  Will just relive day for a bit.  Mmmm.

Oh God.  He just looked exactly like Mr Darcy: all smouldery and 
lean.  And he even took me round a church with a hole in and 
some Adrian's tomb or other and Moses and was incredibly 
masterful every time I nearly walked under a car and kept talking 
Italian.  Mmm.  "Colin" is better than Mr Darcy but strangely also 
Mr Darcy.

6pm Writing day has not gone particularly well, though obviously 
needed some time to absorb what happened, and discuss 
impressions with peers so probably has been highly productive. 
Will stay in tonight.  Will get bulk of it down, then fine-tune 
tomorrow. Mmm. Mr Darcy.

12.20am Argor eswor blurrygoofun. Shazzanjude v. jealous re 
Misdarcy.  Misdarcymisdarcy. Oops.

Wednesday 19 March
10 am Right.  Does not matter if have hangover.  Ooh, telephone 
again. 

You see this is what it is like when you are major profile writer: 
phones ringing incessantly.  Was bloody Michael again: "How are 
we coming along?" 

Bloody nerve.  Is not even my deadline till lunch time, which 
obviously means two o'clock. Actually, really pleased with tape. 
Did really good thing of starting Him off with easy questions before 
going into Tom's meaty questions which I had written down night 
before despite being a little on squiffy side. Think He was really 
quite impressed with my line of questioning, actually.

10.15 am. Will just have quick cup of coffee and fag.

11.00 am. Hmmm. Better just listen to tape back again.
Ding dong!  Will just ring Shaz again and play her this last bit.

Aargh, aargh. Is 12 o'clock. Anyway no need to panic. They are 
not going to be back from lunch till three and is all there in head. 
Just need to write down. Wait till they see my Scoops.

How to start? Obviously, interview must include my impressions of 
Mr Darcy as well as skilfully weaving in stuff about new film Fever 
Pitch, theatre v film etc. 

They will probably give me a regular interview spot every week: 
The Bridget Jones Profile.  Jones meets Darcy.  Jones meets Blair. 
Jones meets President Marcos.

2pm How can I be expected to create if bloody Michael keeps 
ringing up all the time saying what I must and must not put in? 
Grrr... If that is him again... They have no respect for journalists in 
that office.  None whatsoever.

3pm Harhar.  "I.Am.Do.Ing.It." I said.  That has shut him up

5pm Anyway is OK.  All top journalists have deadline crises.

6pm Oh f*** oh f*** Oh f**** 

6.30pm Argor scareer isnruin.  Argor.

DUE TO INSUPERABLE TECHNICAL...

BJ: Right. I'm going to start the interview now.

CF: (SLIGHTLY HYSTERICAL SOUNDING) Good, good. 

(VERY LONG PAUSE)

BJ: What is your favourite colour? 

CF: I'm sorry?

BJ: What is your favourite colour. 

CF: Blue. 

(LONG PAUSE) 

BJ: What is your favourite pudding? 

CF: Er... creme bruléé. 

BJ: You know the oncoming film Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby 
which starts next Friday?

CF: I do know it, yes. 

BJ: (PAUSE. RUSTLING PAPER) Do... Oh. (MORE RUSTLING PAPER). 
Do you think the book of Fever Pitch has spored a 
confessional gender?

CF: Excuse me?

BJ: Has. Spored. A Confessional. Gender.

CF: Spored a confessional gender? 

BJ: Yes. 

CF: Well. Certainly Nick's style has been very much imitated, 
and I think it's a very appealing, er, gender whether or not he 
actually, urn... spared it. 

BJ: You know in Pride and Prejudice? 

CF: I do know in it, yes. 

BJ: When you had to dive into the lake? 

CF: Yes. 

BJ: When they had to do another take, did you have to take 
the wet shirt off and then put a dry one on? 

CF: Yes I, I probably did have to, yes. Scusi. Ha vinto. E 
troppo forte. Si grazie. 

BJ: (BREATHING UNSTEADILY) How many takes did they have to 
do? 

CF: (COUGHS) Well. The underwater shots were a tank in Ealing 
Studios. 

BJ: Oh no. 

CF: I'm afraid so. The -um - moment of being airborne - 
extremely brief - was a stuntman.

BJ: But it looked like Mr Darcy. 

CF: That was because he had stuck on sideburns and a Mr 
Darcy outfit on top of a wet suit, which actually made him 
look like Elvis as you last saw him. He could only do it once 
for insurance reasons and then he had to be checked for 
abrasions for about six weeks afterwards. All the other wet 
shirt shots were me. 

    BJ: You know the other wet shirt shots? 

CF: Yes. 

BJ: Were they you?

CF: Yes. 

BJ: And did the shirt have to keep being re-wet? 

CF: Yes. They'd spray it down. They'd spray it down and 
then... 

BJ: What with?

CF: I'm sorry?

BJ: What with?

CF: A squirter thing. Look can we... 

BJ: Yes, but what I mean is did you ever have to take the shirt 
off and, and put another one on? 

CF: Yes. 

BJ: To be wet again?

CF: Yes. 

BJ: (PAUSE) You know the oncoming film Fever Pitch? 

CF: yes 

BJ: What do you see as the main differences between the 
character Paul from Fever Pitch and ... 

CF: ... and? 

BJ: (SHEEPISHLY) Mr Darcy. 

CF: No one's ever asked me that. 

BJ: Haven't they?

CF: No. I think the main differences are... 

BJ: Do you mean it's a really obvious question? 

CF: No. I mean no one's ever asked me that. 

BJ: Do people ask you that all the time? 

CF: No, no. I can assure you... 

BJ: So it's a...

CF: It's a totally brand-new, new-born question, yes. 

BJ: Oh Goody. 

CF: Shall we get on now? 

BJ: Yes. 

CF: Mr Darcy's not an Arsenal supporter. 

BJ: No. 

CF: He's not a schoolteacher.

BJ: No. 

CF: He lived nearly 200 years ago. 

BJ: Yes. 

CF: Paul in Fever Pitch loves being in a football crowd. 

BJ: Yes.

CF: Whereas Mr Darcy can't even tolerate a country dance. 

BJ: No. 

CF: Paul doesn't smoulder. 

BJ: Oh he did, though. That bit with the coffee cups, It's 
fantastic where that woman Miss Hughes is just standing 
there and Mr Darcy just masterfully takes the cups away and 
then, like, snogs her. 

CF: I think that might be a similarity, then. 

BJ: I'm not putting words into your mouth or anything. 

CF: No, no. Now. Can we talk about something which isn't to 
do with Mr Darcy?